Good Morning, We are Awake!

When Daddy Low first took on this job in UK, he was placed on the night shift - this means 4.30pm to 1am everyday, but often, he would leave early for meetings and only reach home at 2 or even 3am and would thus sleep at 3 or 4am, as he needs some mindless TV time to unwind before bedtime.  And so, from the days of my pregnancy, I have started waiting up for him, just so that we can have some time together, since he would sleep till late morning the next day before having a little lunch and going to work again. 

It was not ideal sleeping hours and I knew it, but it made sense that at least we would see each other and spend time together rather than have different sleeping patterns and miss each other altogether. That would be so weird - like housemates working different shifts...

I guess it is no surprise that Julien has thus adopted our sleeping patterns. Our day really starts from noon onwards, as the night feeds tire me out and push my waking-up time to noon time, especially since I was often sleeping at 2 or 3am with Daddy Low.

All this has to change now, because a new change has been introduced to this household - Daddy Low has moved to the day shift! 

It happened so suddenly that we were both taken a bit by surprise. He was asked to cover a colleague going on leave and at the same time, sounded out about the possibility of moving to the day shift permanently. So, in effect, from the day he moved to covering duties onwards, he will be staying in the day shift!

I am happy. I am happy, because as much as I like sleeping in late, I know that it would be better for Julien to sleep normal hours. And as long as we sleep in, we will always not be able to wake up to go for baby activities, which are always more or less in the morning.

But oh, how difficult it is to move to "dayshift hours", so to speak! Especially when the wintry morning is often grey and gloomy; it makes one feel like the sun has not risen and why should we?!

So, I struggle everyday. Julien always wakes up around 7am (plus, minus one hour) for a milk feed. And this would be the ideal time to wake up. But it is so hard! My eyes are always heavy and my spirit is less than willing! I think the task is made harder by the fact that I have no one to answer to, no agenda to wake up early for.... so in fact, the natural thing seemed to be... hey.. SLEEP!

But really, I need and want to make the change. After all, Julien waking at noon means he is sleeping around midnight! And that really leaves little time for myself or for me and Daddy Low together. And the frustrating thing is I have often found that his evening feed time often clashes with our dinner time, so that I may have a hot dinner to start with, but often, by the time I get to it, it has become a cold dinner! Miserable!

Seems to me the way forward to achieve an early bedtime for Julien is to have him wake up early and stay awake! So, everyday, I try hard to keep both him and I awake after his 7am feed. Tough days so far and tough days ahead... but we shall not give up! On days I can push myself out of bed, I fortify myself with a cup of strong ginger tea, then busy myself with chores. On days I am a zombie and cannot get out of bed, the earliest time I can rouse us both out of bed is about 10.30am. Not bad, I suppose - it is, after all, a shaving of one and a half hour off our noon mark. And once I am done with adjusting his waking up and sleeping time, I am going to try to get rid of the nightfeeds! I can already see a black shadow developing under each eye! Argh!

But the nice thing that comes with Daddy Low's change to dayshift is that after Julien's morning feed, I do the naughty thing of bringing Jules to sleep beside me in our bed. I love to hold my boy in the crook of my arm and feel him curling up against me. And to smell his sweet baby skin. And to stroke his forehead and hair. And to just look at him sleeping peacefully. I think this is one major reason why we have so far met with little success with staying awake...

Well, we shall not give up. Hard days ahead, but I remind myself that the results will be blissful and worth it! :)

Goodbye, Breastfeeding!

When I started on some new medicine a few weeks ago, I decided to stop breastfeeding for a while, as advised by the pamphlet in the pack even though my doctor had said it was alright. All along, breastfeeding has been something that so absorbed my attention, that I thought I would be glad to be done with it finally.  Strangely, I felt a huge sense of sadness and regret at the thought of stopping it altogether, so I decided that I would express and throw it away until I was done with the medicine. Boy, it was a lot of hard work! And when I finally went back to breastfeeding, there was a huge sense of relief.

But the interesting thing for me was that I realised that I was more emotionally attached to the whole issue of breastfeeding than I thought.  A fren had said that breastfeeding for her was an important bonding time for her and her baby and she breastfed her for 11 months. At that time, I had wondered if I would ever go on for that long...

Now, I know the answer - No way! For the simple reason that now that Julien has sprouted teeth, breastfeeding can be a painful affair. As they say - once bitten, twice shy. And I can testify that the bite can be very painful, especially when babies do not know how to control their strength or when they are getting more and more drowsy and falling asleep and suddenly take on a nibble without realising!

So, this week, officially, I have stopped. And amazingly, the body seems to know and have followed accordingly. Julien has no trouble going to bottlefeeds and now, it is easier to monitor just how much milk he takes.

Do I miss out on any bonding? I hardly think so. When I am feeding Julien on the feeding pillow and he falls asleep, I am either creaming him or filing his nails. And at those moments, the image of the mummy chimpanzee grooming the baby chimpanzee comes to mind. That is as close contact as breastfeeding is, I think.  Then, there are still the nappy changing sessions and bathtime, meal times when I am feeding him solids as well as bedtime. So, yes, I think Julien and I still spend the bulk of each day with each other, on the whole business of caring for him.

When I asked a girlfren recently how she felt now that she has stopped breastfeeding, her reply was: "Am I a bad mother if I say I feel a sense of relief?"  Sometimes, I just feel that the whole issue of breastfeeding has been overhyped. There is no right or wrong to it; it is a personal choice and one can be happy with whatever choice one makes for oneself and the baby.

For me, breastfeeding was important, because I do see the benefits of breastmilk. It was also an important component of the bonding process and as much as it has given me headaches, it has also given many happy moments and memories. And I think as long as one stops breastfeeding out of choice, one will be at peace with oneself. For now, this chapter for us is closed and I can honestly say I am happy that I have breastfed my baby, and am happy to now go on the next step of bottlefeeding and solids.

Valentine's 2011

At the shops yesterday, literally every one in five men was clutching a bouquet of flowers, mostly roses and lilies. Of course, Valentine's Day has rolled around again.

There are no laws or social norms saying that once you become parents, you don't celebrate V-Day, but somehow, this year, we are just not as into the whole atmosphere or the must-do candle-lit dinner and V-Day presents anymore.  I think having a child has changed that, or to be precise, being first-time newbie parents, cos we did still celebrate it even after getting married. 

Being a parent is just kind of sapping and a V-Day celebration seems almost a bit of an unnecessary add-on thing to do.  In fact, it seems an almost surreal disconnect to me, as if this world of flower-and-chocolate-clutching men with V-Day written all over their faces is something imaginary and no longer fits in my world. Don't get me wrong, I do love the whole idea of V-Day and presents and flowers and chocolates.But just for this moment, perhaps, this year, I feel too tired to care...


But we didn't totally forget it. I did a nice homecooked dinner on Friday and I did another big one again today, the actual V-day.  And interestingly enough, the only fancy dinner I had was with my girlfrens on a girls' night out.


In fact, our first girls' night out, since we all turned first-time mums late last year. Daddy Low was very glad for me that I was going out. He told me not to call home to check on Baby unless I am coming home past midnight (So funny, cos there was no way we will be staying past midnight - I still have to have my rest and sleep if I were to handle the night feeds!)  It was nice and a rather alien feeling, as I dressed and got ready - it felt like the longest time, since I have given thought to dressing up and putting make-up and going out without a baby-bag.


Even though the dinner topics still revolved around our little ones, it was still a great night out. Everyone looked different - a bit more make-up and perhaps just that air of lightness without the responsibility of having to attending to the baby in tow.  When I came back, the house was in darkness and both boys asleep. 


To me, this baby-free weekend was Daddy Low's V-Day present to me. For not only did I have my girls' night out on Sunday, we made a deal that Saturdays will be my "day off". I had imagined that simply means he will attend to Julien in the day, but was pleasantly surprised when I also got the night off, as he settled Julien's night feeds as well. I had not had a smooth, uninterrupted sleep for a long time now! Yay! I shall always look forward to Saturdays now :)

A Little Daily Ritual

Today is the first day of the Rabbit Year, the Golden Rabbit to be precise. And since it is my year, I became contemplative.  After all, I have gone through 3 cycles of it now...

So, what have I made of my life so far? What have I achieved?  Am I at a happy place in my life journey?  As these questions ran through my mind, I could not help but smile at the next that followed - Is this what they call the midlife crisis? :)

Well, this is as good a time as any to do a self audit. Especially when you have gone through as great a transition as me - taking on the new identities of mother and housewife, plus throw in the elements of a new country and way of life into the equation for good measure.  When you are negotiating a new environment, lifestyle and identity, you start to learn more about yourself as well as develop new abilities, values and incorporate new traits.

In a conversation with my brother recently, he asked me if I am mindful of myself. Intrigued, I had asked what he meant; he had explained that as watching myself - my actions, my thoughts, my intentions etc. And what is the point or benefit of these? His reply - self awareness.

Interesting, I thought. For one thing that I have noticed this year is how I seem to only get to know myself better now that I am entering middle age (oh, how awful this term sounds! Honestly, I find it hard to identify with the age group! Haha!) And surprisingly, the bulk of the awareness comes from others pointing out to me traits that they have observed, but which I am yet blind to all this while. And it is with astonishment when people point out something about yourself that you have not noticed before; it is a slap-on-the-head kind of revelation, when a click goes and you think, "Right! So that's what it is!" I feel strangely like a puzzle being pieced together in front of my own eyes.

And I have to admit that coming face to face with myself is not a pretty business. Every flaw, every failing seems to wink at me in mockery once pointed out, the cheeky little things.

My brother had talked about how meditation helps one to be more aware and better able to watch oneself. I don't know exactly what he does in meditation, but I remember what a speaker had once said about her daily meditation exercise.  Basically, she  finds a quiet moment in a quiet corner of the house to go through the day - what went well and what didn't, what she did that made her happy and feel good as well as those that she did that made her unhappy with herself. Then, she would slowly go down the list and made peace with each item and slowly let them go, item by item. This is her way of giving closure to the day, so that she can start the next day anew.

I liked what she shared and like it still now, but have to confess that as always, I have let myself be so occupied with the daily chores and concerns that they roll over me like waves, and I forget  that I want to incorporate this little ritual into my everyday routine. And as I think of it now, what a pity it is, that at the end of the day, we would not take out even a moment to spend with our best fren - our Self. Surely, if there is one person we ought to treat better, it has to be our Self.

So, this is my new year resolution - to be better to myself and spend some moments each day enjoying my own company and giving closure to each day. For the good things, I shall give myself a pat on my back. For the less satisfactory things, I shall accept that I could have done a better job, forgive myself, let it go and tell myself that I will do better next time (for if there is one thing I have noticed - most of us tend to be to hard on ourselves).  I think this is important, especially now that I am a mother and would have to guide Julien in life's journey.

For today, I am happy that I met up with my frens and am thankful for the wonderful new friends made that have become an invaluable emotional support network. I think joining the NCT antenatal class and making mummy frens, whose babies were born around the same month, has been the best thing so far. (And for this, I have to thank my sister for constantly harassing me to go sign up for the class :) It is nice to catch up with one another and see our babies growing at more or less the same pace, to exchange tips about parenting, toys, baby products etc.  Thanks, girls! 


P.S.:  About New Year Resolutions...

I guess a new beginning always makes change somehow palatable, perhaps even attractive, possibly because one is filled with hope and the feeling that all things are possible. Interestingly, I did not feel this urge to make new year resolutions at the beginning of the calendar year 2011. In fact, I had then dismissed new year resolutions as something pointless, since they are invariably a mere paper exercise.


And January is simply hard to start on new year resolutions, since it is a rude shock after all the feasting over the Christmas and New Year celebrations. One, in all likelihood, is still nursing a hangover or an overtaxed stomach.  And now that we have hit February by the time Chinese New Year rolls around, we have eased into the year and are more inclined to consider the serious business of new year resolutions... at least, it is so for me anyway.

Sophie

I first know about Sophie through seeing a girlfren's FB photos of her son. In one, her boy was holding Sophie the giraffe, a teething toy. And in the comments below, another girlfren exclaimed that her son, too, had Sophie the giraffe. I was intrigued and asked the girls about this famous Sophie and apparently it is the ONE teething toy that all mums swear by and is a must-have for the babies.

I looked at it and for the life of me, could not understand why. It looks plasticky and its design looks dated, just like one of those plastic toys that one would play with in the 80s. And when I checked the price online, I was astonished and all the more put off. This little dated plastic toy costs about 12 pounds, about S$24! No way am I spending that kind of money!

Today, I am eating my words as I receive Julien's own Sophie from Amazon. According to the pamphlet inside, Sophie was born in France on 25 May 1961, designed by a Monsieur Rampeau, who perceived that not only will such an exotic animal as the giraffe make the toy a first in the European market, its size and shape will also be ideal for a baby's little hands to grasp. Sophie looked exactly the same today as the day she was born, so this toy is one of great history. Sophie also squeaks when pressed, so helping her to be a great success with the babies. Apparently, Sophie is still "traditionally" produced today, with a process that involves more than 14 manual operations. She is made from 100% natural rubber and food colouring. I think reading all these does give Sophie a sort of legendary, larger-than-life feeling, but her usefulness to Julien remains to be seen.

So what changed my mind about getting Sophie? Seeing other babies chewing Sophie so happily, of course. It's a teething toy and they are all holding it easily and giving it a hard chew, so that means it works, right? That is how tupperware parties work, except that in our case, we have babies of the same age instead of tupperware. So, this group of women hangs out together for a weekly coffee and at each house, we check out each other's latest baby gadgets, toys etc and inevitably, after that meeting, at least one person will buy something that she saw in the house.  So, after our last meeting, 2 of us, one being me, placed an order for Sophie.

C received Sophie and reported that her baby loves it to bits. Julien has sadly given it a rather lukewarm welcome. I think it is because he is grabbing things, but has not really reached the point of gripping them tightly for long yet. So, he is happy to chew on Sophie when we hold it to his mouth. And he would still rather go for his fingers (and sometimes whole fist in his mouth) rather than looking for Sophie. 

I suppose it is not a bad thing. As one fren puts it, with toys and dummies, they can fall out of the hands or the mouth and baby will cry forever till he finds them again. However, with fingers, one can never lose or drop them now, can we? :)  

Well, I still hope Julien will like Sophie in due course. She did, after all, cost a handsome 12 pounds!