Today is the first day of the Rabbit Year, the Golden Rabbit to be precise. And since it is my year, I became contemplative. After all, I have gone through 3 cycles of it now...
So, what have I made of my life so far? What have I achieved? Am I at a happy place in my life journey? As these questions ran through my mind, I could not help but smile at the next that followed - Is this what they call the midlife crisis? :)
Well, this is as good a time as any to do a self audit. Especially when you have gone through as great a transition as me - taking on the new identities of mother and housewife, plus throw in the elements of a new country and way of life into the equation for good measure. When you are negotiating a new environment, lifestyle and identity, you start to learn more about yourself as well as develop new abilities, values and incorporate new traits.
In a conversation with my brother recently, he asked me if I am mindful of myself. Intrigued, I had asked what he meant; he had explained that as watching myself - my actions, my thoughts, my intentions etc. And what is the point or benefit of these? His reply - self awareness.
Interesting, I thought. For one thing that I have noticed this year is how I seem to only get to know myself better now that I am entering middle age (oh, how awful this term sounds! Honestly, I find it hard to identify with the age group! Haha!) And surprisingly, the bulk of the awareness comes from others pointing out to me traits that they have observed, but which I am yet blind to all this while. And it is with astonishment when people point out something about yourself that you have not noticed before; it is a slap-on-the-head kind of revelation, when a click goes and you think, "Right! So that's what it is!" I feel strangely like a puzzle being pieced together in front of my own eyes.
And I have to admit that coming face to face with myself is not a pretty business. Every flaw, every failing seems to wink at me in mockery once pointed out, the cheeky little things.
My brother had talked about how meditation helps one to be more aware and better able to watch oneself. I don't know exactly what he does in meditation, but I remember what a speaker had once said about her daily meditation exercise. Basically, she finds a quiet moment in a quiet corner of the house to go through the day - what went well and what didn't, what she did that made her happy and feel good as well as those that she did that made her unhappy with herself. Then, she would slowly go down the list and made peace with each item and slowly let them go, item by item. This is her way of giving closure to the day, so that she can start the next day anew.
I liked what she shared and like it still now, but have to confess that as always, I have let myself be so occupied with the daily chores and concerns that they roll over me like waves, and I forget that I want to incorporate this little ritual into my everyday routine. And as I think of it now, what a pity it is, that at the end of the day, we would not take out even a moment to spend with our best fren - our Self. Surely, if there is one person we ought to treat better, it has to be our Self.
So, this is my new year resolution - to be better to myself and spend some moments each day enjoying my own company and giving closure to each day. For the good things, I shall give myself a pat on my back. For the less satisfactory things, I shall accept that I could have done a better job, forgive myself, let it go and tell myself that I will do better next time (for if there is one thing I have noticed - most of us tend to be to hard on ourselves). I think this is important, especially now that I am a mother and would have to guide Julien in life's journey.
For today, I am happy that I met up with my frens and am thankful for the wonderful new friends made that have become an invaluable emotional support network. I think joining the NCT antenatal class and making mummy frens, whose babies were born around the same month, has been the best thing so far. (And for this, I have to thank my sister for constantly harassing me to go sign up for the class :) It is nice to catch up with one another and see our babies growing at more or less the same pace, to exchange tips about parenting, toys, baby products etc. Thanks, girls!
P.S.: About New Year Resolutions...
So, what have I made of my life so far? What have I achieved? Am I at a happy place in my life journey? As these questions ran through my mind, I could not help but smile at the next that followed - Is this what they call the midlife crisis? :)
Well, this is as good a time as any to do a self audit. Especially when you have gone through as great a transition as me - taking on the new identities of mother and housewife, plus throw in the elements of a new country and way of life into the equation for good measure. When you are negotiating a new environment, lifestyle and identity, you start to learn more about yourself as well as develop new abilities, values and incorporate new traits.
In a conversation with my brother recently, he asked me if I am mindful of myself. Intrigued, I had asked what he meant; he had explained that as watching myself - my actions, my thoughts, my intentions etc. And what is the point or benefit of these? His reply - self awareness.
Interesting, I thought. For one thing that I have noticed this year is how I seem to only get to know myself better now that I am entering middle age (oh, how awful this term sounds! Honestly, I find it hard to identify with the age group! Haha!) And surprisingly, the bulk of the awareness comes from others pointing out to me traits that they have observed, but which I am yet blind to all this while. And it is with astonishment when people point out something about yourself that you have not noticed before; it is a slap-on-the-head kind of revelation, when a click goes and you think, "Right! So that's what it is!" I feel strangely like a puzzle being pieced together in front of my own eyes.
And I have to admit that coming face to face with myself is not a pretty business. Every flaw, every failing seems to wink at me in mockery once pointed out, the cheeky little things.
My brother had talked about how meditation helps one to be more aware and better able to watch oneself. I don't know exactly what he does in meditation, but I remember what a speaker had once said about her daily meditation exercise. Basically, she finds a quiet moment in a quiet corner of the house to go through the day - what went well and what didn't, what she did that made her happy and feel good as well as those that she did that made her unhappy with herself. Then, she would slowly go down the list and made peace with each item and slowly let them go, item by item. This is her way of giving closure to the day, so that she can start the next day anew.
I liked what she shared and like it still now, but have to confess that as always, I have let myself be so occupied with the daily chores and concerns that they roll over me like waves, and I forget that I want to incorporate this little ritual into my everyday routine. And as I think of it now, what a pity it is, that at the end of the day, we would not take out even a moment to spend with our best fren - our Self. Surely, if there is one person we ought to treat better, it has to be our Self.
So, this is my new year resolution - to be better to myself and spend some moments each day enjoying my own company and giving closure to each day. For the good things, I shall give myself a pat on my back. For the less satisfactory things, I shall accept that I could have done a better job, forgive myself, let it go and tell myself that I will do better next time (for if there is one thing I have noticed - most of us tend to be to hard on ourselves). I think this is important, especially now that I am a mother and would have to guide Julien in life's journey.
For today, I am happy that I met up with my frens and am thankful for the wonderful new friends made that have become an invaluable emotional support network. I think joining the NCT antenatal class and making mummy frens, whose babies were born around the same month, has been the best thing so far. (And for this, I have to thank my sister for constantly harassing me to go sign up for the class :) It is nice to catch up with one another and see our babies growing at more or less the same pace, to exchange tips about parenting, toys, baby products etc. Thanks, girls!
P.S.: About New Year Resolutions...
And January is simply hard to start on new year resolutions, since it is a rude shock after all the feasting over the Christmas and New Year celebrations. One, in all likelihood, is still nursing a hangover or an overtaxed stomach. And now that we have hit February by the time Chinese New Year rolls around, we have eased into the year and are more inclined to consider the serious business of new year resolutions... at least, it is so for me anyway.
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