Back to Blogging

For anything to become a habit, it must be persistently worked at and incorporated into one's daily routines, so that it can become a task that one does automatically without further thought. And when that magical transformation happens, along with it comes the beauty of acquiring a habit - one begins to appreciate and enjoy it.  But like the nature of habits, once one stops doing it, it is also easy for it to slip away, since the routine is broken. And the downside is that one becomes lazy and soon forgets the pleasure of the habit until it is a habit no more and eventually one does not do it anymore altogether!

This has been how I have been feeling about my blogging recently. I am at the stage where I still miss it and, in fact, it is a huge disappointment everyday when I end the day with still no entry. Somehow, everyday, I have been up to my neck trying to get Julien into routine, bringIng him for his activities, doing the household chores and by the time I am done with my own dinner and shower, I am just really more into the mood of unwinding with some mindless telly...

But this is not really how I want it to be, because blogging has really been one part of my day that I really look forward to and enjoy. I had started blogging, because I was inspired by a friend who started a blog to record the growth and moments of her child's life; it was her present to her son.  And I thought it was a most meaningful present and wanted to do the same... which came as a bit of surprise to me, because I had never had much success with diary writing and had, in fact, brushed blog writing aside previously.

I think, like everyone else, I had a lot of inertia starting writing. I did not know where to start. I worried incessantly about my style - that I would be too verbose, too long-winded, too boring etc. And if you think an English-teacher-by-background kind of person should have it easier at writing, you can't be more wrong - I was even more critical of myself, worried that I can teach, assess writing, but not really write. And knowing that former students might read this makes it even more daunting.

But again, Nature has a way of working everything out. And interestingly, another feature of habits is the well-known saying - "Practice makes perfect", for indeed, once you have started, it does become easier and easier. And you do become more enthusiastic and addicted almost. I suppose, it would be how runners come to like running and would find it an itch that cannot be scratched away if they  do not get their daily run. 

I remembered my first attempt in my first entry. I had written an account of the day, just talking about a new yoga class and new neighbours. And I had written in the first person narrative, addressing myself to Julien, wanting to make it personal to him. After posting it, I had felt unease. It was too mushy, too unbearable, the whole piece dripping with emotion, what with me addressing him by name throughout and laborously giving terms of address and explaining them (it became terribly tedious and confusing - "my Mummy Chong who is your Grandma Chong", "my sister Yen who is your Auntie Yen" etc). It just came out totally horrible and I blush at the memory even now! Needless to say, that entry has been editted to satisfaction now :)  

Luckily, the beauty of blogging is that you can go back and edit even after after publishing, which I suppose is the equivalent of having written in the usual ink-and-paper mode. If it had been a normal diary, I would have to rip the whole page out and rewrite or I could use correction fluid. But by the time I am done using either method, I would have been frustrated by the whole messy process and just given up writing altogether, since I am such a fusspot about details. I guess that is why blogging has endeared itself to me. And this is interesting because as an educator, it does make me think that electronic media has a lot of useful possibilities in getting students interested, engaged and motivated to learn.

But I digress. I have stuck to blogging also because of its increasing relevancy to my life. Being a SAHM has not been easy, since I have always been a working girl. And once out of work, you start to realise how work has become a medium through which you get adult interaction, engagement and stimulation. One of the things that dog me and my SAHM girlfrens has been the lack of adult conversation in the day. True, we can engage in mummy and child activities and meet other mummies and children, but truthfully, conversations revolving around feeding tips, bathing routines, colic remedies and nappy changes can hardly be said to be much of an intellectual stimulation, which I so sorely miss! Little wonder then that I was so obsessively following the British elections in the earlier part of the year.  

Blogging has managed to fill that void, to give me the needed little jots in my gray matter as well as be the intellectual outlet in my otherwise sedate life these days. (After all, every teacher likes the sound of her own voice, I suppose :)  Indeed, blogging is the one thing that prevents me from going down the path of the Desperate Housewife, which my love for reality shows and drama series would otherwise bring me.  

And with blogging, I have become more observant. Little ideas bubble inside me as the day passes. Opening sentences and even paragraphs pop up in my head; and I find absolute delight when I have the perfect word that pins down exactly how I feel and articulates that particular experience. In short, blogging has become my quiet time of the day, when I reflect about myself, about life as I mull over my day. I think it is not an exaggeration to say that blogging has helped me to be more at peace with myself, with issues, with others.

But now, with this lapse of days, I become increasingly "ansy". I want to write, but I hesitate...perhaps, I even procrastinate.  The worry that I don't have the touch anymore nags at me. I don't know where to start and opening sentences no longer bubble up easily. But the more I sit on it, the more it frustrates me. And in my notebook, the things I want to write about pile up ... and as the list grows, I feel like the words are staring at me in the face and mocking me! A backlog! Sheesh!

Until I could stand it no more and decided I had to sit myself down today to write. In fact, even Daddy Low could not stand it anymore, because I have not been myself, not being able to blog. He decided that we should stay at home on a nice sunny Saturday and he will clean his car, while I will do my blog. He had a hard time persuading me to leave the house well alone and just do what is needed with Julien - feed.  

And oh, what a relief, as the words flowed from my head into my fingers, through the keyboard and appeared on the screen. All the pent-up feelings and frustrations all seeping out, word by word, sentence by sentence onto the screen. 

And if there is anything I have learnt from this experience, it is that habits take effort to form, no effort to break, but a darn lot of hard work more to get back. And in a way, it helps to put into perspective why it has not been the easiest thing to get Julien into a routine. If it has been so hard for me to get myself into a habit, how much harder to be disciplined enough to help another get into routine! It is easy to draw up a schedule, but so much harder to implement. But in all fairness, I have to say Julien has been much more manageable and cooperative.

So, with this little bit of revelation now, we are back to the drawing board. To replenish our determination and recharge ourselves for a fresh start on our journey of establishing habits. And at least, with blogging, I am thankful that the electronic platform makes it possible for me to write on topics now on my backlog list and not have to be upset or stressed by the anal logistics of sequential pages (yes, I recognise it is anal...haha...but one has to accept oneself and work at one's comfort level).  For now, it is just good to be back writing! :)