Finding My Own Two Mummy Feet

It didn't go too badly today - my first day of being home alone with Julien.  I thought it would be hard with Mum gone, but it was not catastrophic, to say the least. 

Granted, there were no piping hot cooked meals waiting for us on the table, but we did manage well enough even on the food front. Lunch was a simple affair of beef bolognaise spaghetti, and dinner was a frozen dinner cooked by Mum to tide me over the transition.

And so much for telling myself to go easy on the chores. I woke up earlier than usual to try to get a headstart - bringing the garbage out, drying last night's round of Julien's washed laundry, while starting a new cycle. In fact, I did a few cycles in between my simple breakfast and our trip to the chiropractor to sort out some lingering aches from the pregnancy. Then, a quick lunch while relaxing with a bit of telly before bathing and feeding Julien.

Next, I started to sort out the kitchen. And then Mum called to tell me they had a great day at the seaside and she tried 2 oysters and I am really glad, because I wanted them to enjoy a bit of England before going home.  But actually, I think she was worried about how I was coping and had really called to check on me and asked how Julien is.  

After Julien's afternoon feed and diaper change, he took his afternoon nap and I decided to heed everyone's advice and slept too. It was lovely. He is still on 2 hourly feeds, so I did manage to get some decent rest, but more importantly, once you are on your own,  you realise there is no one else to rely on and you really start to strategise to become more efficient and effective. And that gave me a sense of ownership, of control and definitely made me more confident.  

Before, Mum would help to bathe him and make his milk on the feeds that we supplement with formula (I just can't keep up with the little tiger's appetite anymore - he wants 4oz every 2 hours!) and I could enjoy a nice leisurely shower.  Now, having to do everything for Julien myself, showering became a bit of a stressful activity, which I tried to do as quickly as possible, especially when you can hear him starting to build up a wail through the baby monitor. 

But the upside is, personally doing everything for him now gives me the time and opportunity to bond with Julien. Mum is here for a limited period, so even if sometimes, I much prefer to bathe Julien myself, I let her, because I know she wants to spend time with Julien.  But what I didn't realise was that I end up being a bit detached from my own baby; he was just an entity that I needed to feed and change diapers now and then. Hence, it came as a very pleasant surprise to me today, when I felt myself all melting in love and affection as I spent time with Julien.

I enjoyed bathing him. Admittedly, I was a bit apprehensive as I bathed him, always afraid that I was too slow and he would catch a chill. But we did it, even if not with Mum's speed or ease :)  And I enjoyed the nap with him too; watching him sleep and listening to his breathing was a strangely magical experience. But waking up just slightly ahead of him was not good enough. I had heated up my dinner, having breastfed him.  And so I was rather taken by surprise, when while waiting for the food to heat up, he started crying and wanted to feed again. So, there I went, rushing to make him his milk and obviously not making it in time.  Listening to your own baby crying has to be the worst possible experience in the world - it was truly trying and heartwrenching.  And in the end, I ate my dinner one hour later, my once-hot-but-now-cold dinner...

After dinner, when Julien was all settled, I went back to sorting out the kitchen. They say the kitchen is the one place where a woman can feel territorial. I was just too happy to have my meals taken care of, so I was not about to poke my head in the kitchen with my opinions to Mum. Moreover, I was too tired and weak to be territorial during my confinement rest. But once Mistress of the house again - and I am sure other women would agree with me - you want your kitchen back the way it was. I think I did a decent job for an evening - things were back in their old places again and going through the larder and fridge certainly helped me to know what food we have and whether we need to go grocery shopping.

After my night's quota of telly, we went upstairs and I sorted out the dry laundry. Then, another feed and nappy change, before finally having time to blog. There's still ironing not done and tomorrow, I hope to wash the toilets and change the bedsheets. But for today, I say it's not a bad job done and am proud of myself :)  And before the week is out, I am confident that the house will be in order again and I would have established a daily schedule fixed around Julien as well as a sleeping routine with him. And we'll be all sorted before we start on Round 2 when the in-laws arrive next week...

And as I watch Julien sleeping now beside me, I have a great sense of contentment. I had told my parents before leaving Singapore that Julien will be a wonderful present for me. And he is. With Mum and Dad gone, I had worried about the house feeling large and empty. But today's experience has proven me wrong. Because, no matter how trying it may be even when he is in the height of his crying, Julien is great company that I would not want to miss. Muacks to my little baby! :)