I'm so dead tired today and frankly very angry at how the day has turned out, so am just so glad that I have the blog as an outlet to vent my frustrations.
1. All the visitors are gone and there won't be anymore long-term stay visitors for a while. The company and help was great, but frankly, parents for 10 weeks make life pretty surreal when you are in your mid-thirties and way too cushy with all the ready help... So, honestly, I am relieved. I think now that I can start trying to get Julien and me into a routine for our real-life reality of everyday life (what a mouthful, but the phrase encapsulated exactly what I want to say), but yes, the cushioned life with all the help certainly does not make for a soft landing when we try to make our transition ... And my experience on Day One is certainly a cold turkey testimony of that!
2. So, I have all these laundry to clear and the house is in a mess, but luckily for me, dear Daddy Low was extra nice enough to clean up the house without my asking... so sweet of him 'cos I was so tired that, for the first time since delivery, I crashed into bed at around 10pm, the earliest sleeping time I can remember! So, the house's sorted on the last day before we return to the grind (Daddy Low having been on leave since last Wednesday when we sent the in-laws to the airport). But that still leaves the laundry, so the laundry room is piling up with dirty laundry and the ironing room is piling up with cleaned laundry waiting to be ironed...
3. Recently, Julien seems to be increasingly irritable. He cries more easily and does not like to be put down to lie on his own. In the past, he would have been occupied just looking at the mobile attached to his playmat or buggy. Now, he just bawls the minute he is put to lie down!
4. And to make matters worse, he seems to have taken a dislike to the bottle, in fact, dislike to the point of rejection. Many times, he was clearly hungry, but refused to be bottle-fed. No matter how we both tried, he would just roll the teat of the bottle around in his mouth before finally starting to cry and pushing the teat out.
5. And that is not the worst yet - today, I seem to have no milk in me! By this stage (of Jules at 2 months old), my breasts seem to have worked out how much milk he needs and exactly when he needs to feed. For the past week, I have experienced a distinct tingling sensation every time the milk starts to flow at feeding time. And either shortly before the let-down of milk or shortly after, Julien would show signs of wanting to be fed. And at every feed, you can hear him gulping fairly quickly after he starts sucking, so I know the amount and speed of flow are both good. But today, I did not feel the let-down reflex much nor hear the gulping sound; it was more of a muted drinking - there was milk alright, but not as much... And the bad news? It is not enough! My poor boy was clearly hungry much of the whole day.
6. To top off the cake, he had boundless energy. Now that I have him to myself with no distraction the whole day, I found, to my horror, that he he does not seem to want much of a nap. He wanted to "talk" or play the whole time and would, at most, take power naps! And by that, I mean a quickie nap after a quickie feed - Once I put him down, he would wake soon after, like in about 15min. I steeled my heart at first to let him cry, but truthfully, I could not stand that bawling for very long. He certainly outlasted me there :(
So, this is my disaster of a day. An irritable, hungry baby that refused to lie on his own or nap and reject the bottle when he is hungry and I have little milk. It was a nightmare and I felt angry, yet helpless, because it is clear to me that everything is linked. He could not nap long or deeply enough, because he had an empty stomach. And the constant hunger pangs means that he would not lie on his own either and the usual toy and mobile could not work its usual magic. And no proper nap means an irritable baby, even if he is a drowsy one. I can see him rubbing his eyes, so he is tired, but just could not sleep. And as the day wore on, his cries became louder and more "unpacifiable". All this makes for a very exhausted and helpless-feeling mummy, and very on the edge too!
So, there I was the whole day, driven up the wall by his incessant need to be carried, cos that was the only thing that would pacify him and stop the crying. I was at the end of my wits, not being able to do anything to improve his situation or mine - I could hardly fix myself a meal or go to the toilet. In the end, I did harden my heart and left him crying for a while, so that I could finish cooking dinner and nip into the toilet. And throughout the whole day, I was desperately downing milk and water in a bid to improve milk supply, but which doesn't exactly help the toilet situation. I made myself eat one full cup of rice and vegetables and meat too, but could do little on the resting front.
It is a wonder how I managed to get Julien to sleep at night. But I think he helped himself to sleep in the end, cos he was just exhausted flat-out by his hunger and lack of rest the whole day. When Daddy Low came home, he found us sound asleep side by side in the bed. And when Julien just woke me up for his night-feed, I was ecstatic to feel very engorged breasts and hear him gulping once latched on. Believe me, it is not an exaggeration when I say this is the sweetest sound I have heard the whole day!
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